I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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