My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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