does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
