i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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