Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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