If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
