sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
