i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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