evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
