final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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