No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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