I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
