Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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