I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
