At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
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I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though