Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
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I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.