This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
