I want to walk on stilts...naked
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"