he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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