omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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