every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
