So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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