All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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