Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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