just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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