im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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