You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
