get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
