You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
