I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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