I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.