the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
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They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
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I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.