recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"