I think I won the penis lottery.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
