party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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