I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
