Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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