i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
