Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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