and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
