I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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