"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
