The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
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Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window