I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
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I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
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OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.