Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
