Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
