I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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