A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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