Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
