yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
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We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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