Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
