hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
