umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
