How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
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You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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