my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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