dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
