Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
