i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
