i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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