Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
