Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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