i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
